Office Jokes

Makiko Nagaya

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Jokes sent on the Internet between employees in the office

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:08:31 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: Fw: unexpected playmates

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13 Mar 2008 11:40

Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years -- so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the man finally called police. It appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat, said Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple. The woman initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it." Whipple said investigators planned to present their report on Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the boyfriend. "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself." Police declined to release the couple's names, but the boyfriend, Kory McFarren, agreed to be interviewed on Wednesday by the Associated Press. He identified his girlfriend as Pam Babcock. McFarren (36) told investigators he took Babcock food and water and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom. "And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom." McFarren told the Associated Press that he was not to blame, and that it was solely Babcock's choice to remain in the bathroom. "She is an adult; she made her own decision. It was my fault I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it," McFarren said. Although authorities said they think Babcock was in the bathroom for two years, McFarren said he was not certain how long she stayed there. He said she had a phobia about leaving the room because of childhood beatings. "It just kind of happened one day. She went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay -- like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said. But McFarren said Babcock moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He said they conversed and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except that it all happened in the bathroom. McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together. McFarren called police on February 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend", Whipple said. Police found Babcock clothed and sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked as if they had atrophied, Whipple said. "She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said. She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 240km south-east of Ness City. Whipple said she refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators. McFarren said that his girlfriend has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and that she has no feeling in her legs. She may wind up in a wheelchair, he said. Authorities said they did not know whether she was mentally or physically disabled. The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbour. "I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said. Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years. He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there. "It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

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-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:19:51 -0000

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: Blind Man in a bar

Blind man in a bar

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar falls deadly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde biker girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times."

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Tue, 2 Oct 2007 16:03:44 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: FW: Left Brain Vs Right Brain

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, Wine Coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,

"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No. "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays"

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:08:31 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: Fw: unexpected playmates

There were five country places of religion in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But, the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:19:41 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: FW: Burt Reynolds

BIG QUIZ (LBC)

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.

Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.

Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey, goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.

Contestant: Grandfather.

Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread .. .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes .. .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm .. .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?

A: Err . . .

Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.

A: Err . . .

Q: It begins with a 'C'.

A: No idea.

MAGIC FM

Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?

Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . .. er . . . three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?

Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)

Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?

Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

THE VAULT

Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?

Contestant: Kentish Town?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?

Contestant: Wales.

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?

Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgic.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm .. .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 15:44:16 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com, guillaume@guillaumeparis.com

Subject: FW: Black-eyed Pees

Why women take so long in the toilet...

There is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

Every cubicle is occupied.

But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".

In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight.

So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.

If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... sit down ... directly onto the tilet seat.

Yes - it's wet. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor. The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!

You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you needed it? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question why do women always go to the loos in pairs?

It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door.

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Fri, 4 May 2007 09:05:58 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: Charles Manson

Benign........................

What you be after you be eight.

Artery.........................

The study of paintings.

Bacteria.......................

Back door to cafeteria.

Barium........................

What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section........

A neighborhood in Rome.

CTscan.......................

Searching for kitty.

Cauterize....................

Made eye contact with her.

Colic..........................

A sheep dog.

Coma.........................

A punctuation mark.

D & C.......................

Where Washington is.

Dilate.........................

To live long.

Enema........................

Not a friend.

Fester........................

Quicker than someone else.

Fibula........................

A small lie.

Genital.......................

Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series.................

World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail....................

What you hang your coat on.

Impotent....................

Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.................

Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.............

A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................

A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.....................

Cheaper than day rates.

Node.........................

I knew it.

Outpatient.................

A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................

A fatherhood test.

Pelvis........................

Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative..........

A letter carrier.

Recovery Room........

Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.....................

Damn near killed him.

Secretion..................

Hiding something.

Seizure.....................

Roman emperor.

Tablet......................

A small table.

Terminal Illness........

Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor.....................

More than one.

Urine.......................

Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..................

Near by/close by.

---

-----Original Message-----

To: plewis@inbox.com, guillaume@guillaumeparis.com

Subject: the censor's understanding

TOP WORDS FOR 2007

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and

people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and

file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -- needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,

you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,

your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* 'OH-NO' SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just

Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze

cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM/BOOBS.

A woman whose knickers/Bra is too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks/breasts.

---

-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Thu, 4 Jan 2007 13:25:18 -0000

To: plewis@inbox.co

Subject: glove joke

Sweetheart Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Harrods and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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-----Original Message-----

From: makiko.nagaya@uk.nomura.com

Sent: Fri, 28 Sep 2007 11:59:19 +0100

To: plewis@inbox.com

Subject: FW: Personal

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my

friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiates

Things that are absolutely impossible to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning